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Here's some insight to the world of TV! VIDEO: Pictures. Without these, Big-Time TV would be Big-Time Radio. AUDIO: Never mind. Nobody cares about this. MICROPHONE: Makes audio (see above). Also insignificant. DIRECTOR: Someone who can count backwards with authority. Owns a stopwatch. PRODUCER: Someone who owns a digital stopwatch. ENGINEER: Not much is known about these, since there are so few in captivity. They work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, and are not home on weekends. They also become invisible when needed. "A"-SCOPE: A green, phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers (see above). TRANSMITTER: A big machine resembling an oversized refrigerator with meters. Standing too close to a transmitter for more than an hour may cause one's brain to malfunction. Standing too close to a transmitter for more than two hours will turn you into an engineer (see above). TALENT: What everyone has except you. CAMERA: A device used to take pictures (see above, VIDEO). You point the lens toward the scene you're trying to shoot. Some photographers even shoot in focus. MANAGER: Someone who doesn't know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job. ARTIST: What a director thinks he is. SCHMUCK: What everyone else thinks a director is. VIDEOTAPE: Black stuff that works like film, except you can't see through it. Invented in the 1950's to give engineers something to do. CREW: a.) A type of haircut favored by engineers. b.) A collective name for a group of persons who cover up for the director. TRAFFIC: A department within the T.V. station with the collective I.Q. of granite, whose function is to generate the log (see below). LOG: A document written in Sanskrit which might you give a rough idea of what to do on the air, but usually doesn't. COMMERCIALS: These are why your T.V. station is on the air. PROGRAMMING: Material that fills the time between commercials. THE GOOD OLD DAYS: A block of time which ended a week before you were hired. FILM: A substance that develops over your eyes after watching the local news every day for a week. CHYRON: A bastard child of Ms. Pac-Man that puts letters and numbers on the screen. Also takes letters and numbers off the screen when you don't want it to. Also useful for quadrupling the effectiveness of your weather report. NEWS: An illusion created by two anchors (see below) talking real fast for 45 seconds. ANCHOR: Robots who drag your T.V. station's ratings to the bottom of the ocean. As in the case of most robots, they cost a fortune to build and maintain. Unfortunately, all the bugs have not been worked out, so they are prone to meltdowns. SCHEDULE: A system designed to maximize your enjoyment of Big-Time T.V. by having you spend most of your waking hours there. TAKES: A count of the number of times it takes the director to get it right. FLOOR DIRECTOR: Somebody with the mental acuity of a Fig Newton, who relays incorrect information to the anchors from the director. STILL STORE: Where you buy moonshine. |
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